When your husband cheats

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Domestic abuse for instance often means that if a partner speaks out, they risk violence or further violence. Relationships where one partner is coercively controlling means that often the other person is likely to come off much worse if they speak out to their abuser.

These are very serious situations and require additional support to help whoever is being abused to be safe. From what you describe, it sounds as if your relationship has got into a pattern that really is an emotionally abusive one. You suspect something is wrong, you look for proof, you feel you find it, you confront him and then he either denies it or says it won't happen again. You tell me that when he does actually agree he's been in touch with other women, he also tells you that it meant nothing.

But, I suspect it means everything to you because he repeatedly breaks the trust that you're entitled to expect from a committed relationship. There's nothing wrong with open partnerships but to make those work, each person has to be in full agreement that they want to run things this way. For you though, it sounds like you didn't sign up to that and are constantly on the alert, and as so often happens, ending up almost playing detective, trying to second guess every word and action.

That's exhausting.

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You tell me this has gone on for a long time and I wonder if this is because at some level you feel you can change your husband's behaviour. Sometimes we almost make ourselves responsible for a partner and start to believe that if only we can find the right words then they'll change.

My Husband Cheated on Me

Although talking together is nearly always helpful, in this case, I think you have to decide what the long-term effects of all this are likely to be if things don't take a turn for the better. I'm not for a moment suggesting that this is an easy thing to contemplate. Finance, children and fears of being lonely make it entirely understandable that people stay in relationships that are upsetting in one way or another. Sometimes it's just not possible to make the move away from something that causes emotional pain.

We might even think we don't deserve anything better.

Some people grow up believing that they should carry on regardless of their own emotional wellbeing and consistently prioritise another's welfare to the detriment of their own. I wonder if that's what's happening here. You're telling me that you love this man but his behaviour is destroying you and you just want him to stop.

My Husband Cheated on Me

At the risk of being very challenging, I don't think that's likely to happen. I don't know why he carries on as you describe — some people develop addictive behaviours, others find it difficult to hear how much of what they do distresses their partner. Although he's entirely responsible for the choices he's making, every time you in effect, have him back, you may well be adding to his misguided belief that what he's doing isn't really all that much of a problem. Seeing a counsellor and having some time for yourself may help you decide how you want to take things forward.

Friends are great and as you say, they always seem to have the answer but the important part of all this is that you find the answer that's right for you. Because of what he did after his affair. And because I chose love. His remorse was all-encompassing and led him to recommit to our marriage. I guess you can call me lucky. That there was no pregnancy.


8 Tips for Coping When Your Partner Is Unfaithful

Miraculously, inexplicably, my love forged on. That was not of me, how could it have been? The ability to love like that is superhuman, God-like. And so via the grace of God, I possessed it, too.


I did wonder after anger and even wandered around looking for it, but it never did show up to link arms with me in force. That it was to be my new home. Nothing has ever broken my husband quite like breaking me, and it was there in his raggedness, face down in the arena, covered with dust and sweat and blood that my husband stood up, ignored his own gaping wounds and began laboring to heal mine.

Because love still existed between us and reigned supreme over my heart, nothing in me ever considered leaving my husband.

I never felt confused, uncertain or hesitant about choosing to work towards repair and recovery with him. The only piece of gear I owned at the beginning of this journey though was love and I would come to need so much more. I needed to source understanding, forgiveness, and new-found trust. And I needed a guide; for the road back from infidelity and forward to saving a marriage cannot be traveled alone. He brought with us zero blame for anyone but himself and complete ownership of his transgression; an act I eventually came to understand well enough but will never condone.

He brought genuine apology and unfeigned remorse.

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He brought unceasing readiness to listen to me work through every grueling, exhausting emotion under the sun several times over. He brought everything we would both come to need on this trek before I even knew we needed it.

Why Men Cheat on Women They Love

I stayed with my husband. And together we started a new one. The very opposite is true, in fact. Recovering from adultery and staying with the man who committed it has been the most formidable endeavor of my life. The affair was the thing that felt like it would actually kill me, and yet it did not. Whether you choose to stay or go, I want you to know there is only fierce strength in your own response to infidelity and the breaking of the vows of your marriage.

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